Hi, I’m Nathanael, and I was born and raised in small town Ohio.

What you are about to read is the rambling culmination of 33 years of existence, 16 years of being in the live sound industry, 8 years of touring, and not enough years of therapy. It’s also going to contain a lot of third person talking as I try to figure out just who the hell I am. Honestly, if you know what it is that you read when you’re done, please let me know, I feel like I’m just spinning in circles while writing words on a screen.

Why I’m writing this, I’m still figuring out. I’m 2400 words into this thing and just now adding this paragraph. I think I’m still trying to find a direction for this next chapter of my life, and while I’ve failed at journaling every time I’ve tried it before, it somehow clicked this time. That and therapy. I’m gonna put my plea for everyone to go to therapy here at the beginning so it’s not missed. I cannot stress how helpful I have found it, and the same for almost every other person I’ve talked to, to have a third party person who understands emotions and humans on a level that I simply do not that I am able to just word vomit at with no worry of judgement. The things I’ve discovered about myself, the growth it has led to, I seriously can’t recommend it more highly. It’s apparently broken down a wall for me where I can finally write my thoughts and feelings down.

So if you’re gonna read this, I love you, buckle up.

It’s really weird to think about myself as two people or personalities, but for the last 8 years I have had two lives, one when I am home, and one when I am on the road.

Ask anyone who tours for a living, and they’ll tell you one of the hardest parts is finding a balance if you have a life at home. I say “if” because there are those that are more nomadic than others, and also “balance” is relative. But for me, for Nathanael, for who I am, I need a certain balance only I can find.

When I was in high school I would listen to music the whole way to school, try and hide wired earbuds in my shirt so I could listen to my iPod in class, would listen all the way to sports practice, listen all the way home, and fall asleep to it. I knew music was going to be my life, I just didn’t know how. I made the choice at 16 to move 2000 miles away from home and attend college in Arizona so I could learn to record, so I could surround myself with music even more. I lived in those studios, sitting in on sessions other people ran until 3am, and then reserving the space and mixing till 7am. I thrived there. I learned that I was good at operating in high stress environments. I learned that I love finding solutions to complex problems and executing a plan. I learned that there is always a path forward, whether you can see it or not. You just have to keep moving.

After college I did an internship in Nashville and realized that large format recording studios were not where it’s at anymore for a promising career like I was hoping it would be, so I moved back home to Ohio. Where it was safe. I didn’t realize it yet, but I learned that home base, that sense of familiarity, that slice of the world where I could not be constantly thrown around by the chaos of everything else, that was something I desperately needed. I think it’s something almost everyone needs, but that’s a Ted talk for a different day, for now, we’ll just call it a part of my balance.

I was incredibly fortunate that the local university branch had just opened a Performing Arts Center and was pulling in acts like Mama Mia, Blue Man Group, Beauty and the Beast, and many other large touring groups. It was there that I met my first live sound mentor, Dave. Dave was an absolute professional that wanted to run a clean, tight ship, while also passing on his knowledge and letting us learn through both failure and success. To this day he is one of the few bosses I’ve had that truly embodied “I won’t ask you to do anything I won’t” and throwing bricks with him on the load bridge was all the confirmation I needed.

After two years there, it was time to branch out and get out of Ohio. I might desperately need a home base where I can recharge and reset, but Amish country just wasn’t it for me. I talked to my best friend, we packed up all our crap, and moved 2000 miles back to Arizona. What can I say, my heart belongs to that state and all it’s natural wonder. I started working a corporate AV job in hotels, and quickly grew into leading technicians at a Hilton hotel, acquiring gear from all over the Phoenix valley, and interfacing directly with clients because whether I like it or not, I have a demeanor that crotchety clients can find soothing and they’ll settle down and not be a total pain in the ass for everyone else. I had a great time and had an incredible boss who had the most unique managerial style I had experienced so far in my short career. He wasn’t there to micromanage, he was there to do a job same as I was, and he would give me the tools I needed in order to do it, even if those tools were nothing and I had to figure it out on my own. Together our team made that Hilton property something that the rest of the international company was able to recognize and use as an example for others.

So this brings us to 2017. I am still working the corporate job, but I had progressed to the rigging team because I needed a new challenge and the daily grind at the hotel was draining me. At the encouragement of my then girlfriend, the support of my friends, and the desire for something new and to achieve the dreams I had all those years ago of traveling the world and putting on concerts, I quit my full time job and became the first independent contractor ever in my family. I was in uncharted territory. I went to Chicago to stay with a friend of a friend, sleeping on a couch, and found work at a lighting company. After we did a show in Minneapolis where I had to go up in the roof and hang 3 motors because the house rigger didn’t show up, I got a call from the owner of the company asking if I wanted to be the tour rigger for Mary J Blige on her upcoming fall tour. That scared the hell out of me and I promptly said no. I knew how to pull points, make baskets, float motors, wrap truss, all of that, but I didn’t tour and I sure as hell wasn’t a tour rigger. Well, the owner ‘politely’ told me I was an idiot to say no to this and that the calculations had already been done, I was going to essentially just mark the floor, float the motors, and be done. So I thought about it, realized this was exactly why I quit my job and leapt into the unknown, and figured I might as well keep leaping.

Well wouldn’t you know, the gig wasn’t what I was led to believe. Day 1 I checked the numbers and realized they were all wrong, I corrected them, and then moved a fully assembled and floating video wall upstage 5 feet because it was too close to the set. It was my first tour, I was in a leadership/supervisory role, I didn’t know anyone on the crew, I was in a city I had never been in, my relationship back home was on rocky ground, and I had to protect myself to keep from breaking.

Hi, I’m Dave, I was born and raised in a tour bus.

I don’t look at myself as having two personalities or some kind of mental split, but I do think the brain is fascinating in how it handles stress and trauma. I truly believe that while I, as Nathanael, was taking on opportunities that were above and beyond anything my small town Ohio mind could really fathom, that there was a part of me that stepped up and was able to cast aside the doubt and the fears and rise to the occasion, knowing that I was capable.

I DO know that I as Nathanael have a failed engagement under my belt, and part of the cause there was my not knowing how to balance home and work. All I ever knew growing up was you leave in the morning to go to work, you come back at night, lather rinse repeat. The thought of packing up all of my stuff and not seeing my home, friends, or family for months at a time was something that I truly didn’t understand as I began this part of my journey.

I DO know that I have let many friendships fall the to the wayside because I do not have the energy to rip a gig in Northern Italy, get 4 hours of sleep, fly to Portugal, rip another gig, and then fly back to the states within 96 hours and still maintain any kind of relationship outside of work.

I DO know that when I get home, it feels like it can take anywhere from a week to a month to feel “normal,” whatever definition that word has being in a constant state of flux. Maybe that’s life, constant change and motion. My industry isn’t the only one that keeps families apart for months on end in the never ending quest for the almighty dollar.

The I Prevail crew is who officially gave me the nickname of Dave. Some backstory here, I grew up being told by my mother that “Nathanael is the name I gave you, Nathanael is the name you will be called. You are not a Nate, you are not a Nathan.” Personally, I love my name. It’s different, and definitely unique with the spelling. I had been in the habit of giving “Nate” for takeaway food orders just because it was easier on the cashier to type in and one fateful day in Australia there was some discussion in the IP crew chat about the spelling of my name and how auto correct does not play nice with it. I was branded Dave that day in the chat, and the next day when we were getting take away breakfast I gave “Dave” as the name for the order and once they called it, Dave’s fate was sealed.

While Nathanael may have taken a back seat, Dave soared where eagles dream. I am writing this first draft as I complete that Northern Italy to Portugal deal I just mentioned. That wasn’t made up, that’s my life. That’s Dave’s life. Helping a band put on amazing experiences all over the world, and seeing things that Nathanael couldn’t even fathom 20 years ago as he watched an Amish horse and buggy clip clop down his street.

I have had the distinct honor and pleasure of working with I Prevail for the last 4 years, and have been the monitor engineer for the last 3 years. I have traveled to almost 20 countries on 4 continents with this band and have seen things that others never will. I am beyond blessed to get to do what I do, and even more blessed to do it with the people I do. The I Prevail crew is more of a family to me than some of my actual blood related family. The challenges we have overcome, the trials we have faced, the stupid we’ve dealt with, it’s shaped us and formed us into an unstoppable force that I couldn’t be more proud of.

Over the following years I made friends all over the world and had a great time introducing myself as “Dave” and then letting those I deemed cool enough in on the joke. We even met another technician named Nathanael who ran pyro for us and we promptly named him “Pyro Dave” and even he loved it. But as time progressed, the line between Nathanael and Dave became blurry. I am very proud of what I have accomplished with I Prevail, but it’s taken almost all of my energy and focus and I am not proud to what I have let slide in the background. The joke of “who am I? Nathanael or Dave?” felt like it was becoming less of a joke and more of a reality. But it wasn’t a bad reality. I love being Dave. I work rock concerts for a living, like what the hell, this is the coolest job ever. But it’s a confusing reality. A reality where it feels like neither Dave nor Nathanael ever truly get to rest.

Again, I don’t see myself as having medically diagnosed multiple personalities or anything even close, but the best comparison I can think of would be someone where when they fall asleep, another personality takes over. I’m sure there was an episode of House about this. A better example would be me coming from several months of touring and wanting to work on my 3d printer and realizing how much I’d forgotten on how to do everything, including the IP address I needed to just log in to the damn thing. I couldn’t even get started trying to remember what I had forgotten. I’m completely removed from things that make me me while on the road.

In the summer of 2025 I came to the decision that in order for me to thrive, in order for Nathanael to thrive, I have to take a break from touring. I personally have to take a step back from what is fun and exciting and tackle some internal stuff. I need to be firmly rooted in myself and who I am, as Nathanael, before I can let Dave be a thing. Touring people will recommend finding something that grounds you as a hobby and latching on to it on your days off. You’re going to be working crazy hours multiple days in a row, you need to have something to anchor you. I failed in having those tools before I started, and it’s been impossible for me personally to truly establish those habits and routines while being on the road. I’m sure I’ve got some sort of OCD/ADHD in the way that I crave structure and order, and this industry provides none of it, which unfortunately, is half the thrill and excitement.

So I find myself adding to this essay at 10,000 feet in the air on yet another flight to yet another city, feeling both the most confident to date in my decision to take a step back and focus on myself, and also feeling like I’m absolutely insane and throwing away something incredible. The relationships I’m going to leave behind, and the relationships that will go from talking daily to talking monthly will forever be cherished in my heart. Every person I’ve talked to so far that works in this industry has been incredible with their support of the decision and further enforced the need for SELF health (mental, physical, emotional) being greater than the need to sleep on a slab of plywood hurtling down the freeway.

One thing I don’t want to do is to take away from anyone that is still in this line of work or make it seem like I’m making the “right” choice and they’re making the “wrong” choice. I’m making the “right choice FOR ME” and that’s all that matters. The touring industry is an incredible, small, close knit industry that allows people from the middle of nowhere to experience people, places, and cultures they never could otherwise. I couldn’t be more grateful for all of the opportunities this job has given me, and I would love to return to it some day in the future. To all the friends and family I have still on the road, I love you all, and I can’t wait to come visit you on your gig and celebrate with you just how awesome it is to get to travel and build experiences that become lifelong memories for others.

One of my closest friends told me about a marvel superhero named Moon Knight. Think Venom, but instead of an alien entity, it’s schizophrenia. My friend is excited for me to enter my “Moon Knight era” where Dave and Nathanael join forces and become unstoppable. I think he’s crazy, but I’ll also try to use my powers for good.

In a day and age where we as humans are becoming more isolated, more distant, and more closed off, I’m hoping that my sharing this will at the very least make other people look inward at themselves. I’m not offering any advice, no plan of action, just reflection. OK, except for going to therapy. Everyone needs therapy.

“Just breathe
Suffer again
Look back
Stand in the wake and breathe
Wait for the end
Fight back
This isn’t over”

—
Sincerely,

Nathanael David Stutz
David Christopher Stutz
Davethanael, son of Dadthanael
Dave
Nathanael